By Adam Gingrich
PA Political Consultant
By all media accounts, hundreds of thousands of women made a post-inaugural journey to march on downtown DC; and for what exact reason is anyone’s guess. Led by Michael Moore, ostensibly transitioning male-to-female, and Madonna, these “average” women of America expressed their outrage at an election result most of them didn’t participate in. Fascinating. Let’s take to the street and find out more.
When querying the protestors as to their motivations, reporters were met with deep and philosophical reasons for the show of civil disobedience. Some dramatically bemoaned the audacity of Melania Trump’s beauty and grace, saying it has forced them to “drastically reconfigure personal grooming standards needed to even pass a mirror in their own houses.”
Others were clearly outraged at Ivanka Trump’s implications that a woman could be a mother, a businesswoman and otherworldly beautiful all at the same time. “Who does she think she is? That’s undignified for her to infer that…these ‘pussy hats’ don’t knit themselves, ya know?” Fair point.
The predominant theme seemed to center around the pain of watching Obama leave office. One woman, clad in a sturdy Carhart denim with a mustache Sam Elliot made famous, decried losing the “most feminine president ever…Obama was our real first woman president,” she said, “did ever you see that guy throw out a first pitch? He made Richard Simmons look like Nolan Ryan.” This was a common theme of the day. Many women struggling to explain the shockingly masculine nature of the country’s new president.
Many women were joined by their daughters in the protest, but not all of them. One mother interviewed openly regretted her daughter couldn’t attend, “…she would’ve been here with me, but she accidentally walked in on my book group as we were chanting ‘my pussy grabs back’…she went to stay with her aunt in Texas for a while.” Tragic turn of events. Another family pushed to the brink by the threat of defining clear gender roles.
Former actress turned insane person, Ashley Judd, proudly recited a “nasty woman” poem written by a teenaged girl. In it, she proudly intoned that their vaginal walls were stronger than any wall on the border. Before quietly adding, for clarity, “well, maybe not Madonna’s…doctors put some titanium mesh in there, but, you know, let’s just say she’s having structural integrity issues…”
Despite the seemingly large numbers of attendees, local scientists detected an anomaly and insisted they uncovered many women were merely trapped in Amy Schumer’s gravitational orbit. Reporters spoke with a confused group of women who were last seen stopping for gas when Schumer made a customary stop for Krispy Kreme donuts, “next thing I know I’m in downtown DC with a knitted vagina on my head,” said one horrified business executive, “We’ve either been hypnotized or Amy has the gravitational pull of Jupiter…either way, I have to get home before my husband sees me here and calls a lawyer.”
All intrigue aside, most analysts agree this may be the single largest gathering of humans who have congregated for no particular discernible reason. Sociologists deemed the event the world’s first “pre-protest.” They, along with the media and, frankly, most of the attendees, were struggling to academically assign a purpose to the day. “I think history will look back on this day,” one prominent historian noted, “and say Wow! What the f&@k were these chicks thinking?” Indeed, sir, indeed.
But one thing, above all else, was reaffirmed to the American people today: Hollywood understands middle America like no one else. Ashley Judd, Julia Roberts, Charlize Theron, Madonna, Cher, Michael Moore: These women know what’s right for you and your children. So please, for God and country, slap a wool replica of a vagina on your family’s heads and hit the streets. Not for anything President Trump has done, of course, but for what he might theoretically do…in the future. Ok, that’s it, where is the Tylenol?